Satan goes to Church

The quote that stuck out to me the most in Plantinga's chapter on "the fall" was "Satan goes to church more than anybody else because he knows that at a particular time and place, a corrupt church can devastate the cause of the gospel." After getting over the initial, "wow that's really true, what a cool way to say it" phase, my next thought was, "That would make a great children's book." Now you know that my mind works in very peculiar ways and are probably wondering why on earth any child would want to read a book about Satan and why any parent would ever let them read one entitled "Satan goes to Church." Having said that what follows is the first, and probably only draft, of the children's story, "Satan goes to Church", which unless I am greatly surprised will remain unpublished. In spite of that fact I am already lining up sequels, such as "Satan goes to a Potluck", "Satan goes to Bible Study" and "Satan goes to Sunday School".

I would ask the reader to keep in mind that as a first draft, it will be devoid of illustrations, and so I request that you use your imagination to picture Satan, your stereotypical image of him, (bright red, complete with horns and a tale) dressed up in his Sunday best, perhaps a black coat with tales, a clean white pressed shirt, slacks and a top hat. Then imagine this figure strolling into a fabulous Gothic church, with stained glass windows, and elegantly carved figures on the pillars. Imagine him sitting in austere wooden pews with fellow church goers. Picture him leaning over conspiratorially to whisper pervasive insidious things into his neighbors ear. In all of this however make sure you are picturing him as something you might see in a children's book, nothing very frightening, and in fact typically smiling quite amiably. I hope that you have the picture in your head, and so finally I present you with:

Satan goes to Church
It was a beautiful Sunday morning and Satan woke up and put on his best clothes. Today like every Sunday, Satan was going to church. Now Satan didn't go to church because he loved God, or because he wanted to learn more about him, or because he felt sorry for what he'd done and wanted to confess his sins. In fact Satan didn't go to church for any of the good reasons that people go to church. No, Satan actually hated church and he went because he wanted to stop people from finding the truth there. He went out of spite and hate. Satan grabbed his top hat as he went out the door and drove down to church, thinking all along the way about how he could stop people from finding the truth today.
Satan had been going to this church for several months already, so he had been able to make some friends. One of those friends was the usher, Mr. Chosen. As Satan walked in Mr. Chosen saw him and called out to him, "Hey Luc (pronounced like Luke), over here!" Everybody at church called Satan, Luc. After all, what church would let him in if they knew he was Satan? "How have you been Luc?" Asked Mr. Chosen in a very friendly manner. "It's great to see you today. Glad you could make it to worship with God's elect."
Satan nodded in reply and said, "Yes indeed, glad to be one of the special few." At that moment a homeless man, Mr. Dirty came up to the church door.
"Can I come in?" asked Mr. Dirty.
Satan looked at him and said, "Well you don't look very Christian...What do you think Mr. Chosen."
Mr. Chosen said, "You're right Luc." Turning to Mr. Dirty, he said, "I'm sorry but this is a service for Christian's ones who are clean. And look at you, your obviously dirty and sinful. There's no place for you here."
Mr. Dirty went away sad, and Satan smirked slightly and then said to Mr. Chosen, "Well said, Mr. Chosen, after all, we are the chosen people, we can't just let anybody in." Satan gave himself a pat on the back for managing to hide the truth from both Mr. Dirty and Mr. Chosen. He'd barely even had to do anything, Mr. Chosen was doing the work for him now.
Satan left Mr. Chosen to go find his seat and as he settled into his pew he saw Pastor Proud pass by. "Pastor proud," said Satan, "I'd like to talk to you."
"Of course, Luc," said Pastor Proud, "As long as you make it quick."
"Well," said Satan, "I really like it when you use big words in your sermons, it makes you seem so smart and people will respect what you have to say more."
"Really?" asked Pastor Proud. "It doesn't make it hard for the people to understand?"
"Of course not!" lied Satan, "The people love it when you use big words, it makes them feel more important, like they're more intelligent. After all nobody wants to be part of a dumb religion."
"Thank you Luc, that makes a lot of sense. I think I'll take your advice."
"My pleasure," smiled Satan evilly as soon as the pastor had turned his back.

The service began, and after a few songs and a prayer Pastor Proud got up and began to preach. His sermon was so long and used such big words and talked about such complicated topics that no one in the congregation understood a bit of it. None of them were willing to admit it though because none of them wanted to look dumb. At last Pastor Proud finished, and after a closing hymn, everybody left making sure to congratulate the pastor on his wonderful sermon, so that he wouldn't suspect that they didn't understand it. Finally Satan, got to the door and he shook Pastor Proud's hand and said, "I'll see you next week pastor. You keep preaching like that and people are going to simply love your sermons." Satan got in his car and drove home, celebrating all the way there that he had hidden the truth from everybody at church that morning.

The End